Threequarters

I should have written your poem this morning, but I was too lazy and my thoughts were too boring

Mr. Shamai, I love you dearly
And so, I’m compelled to write this poem sincerely
Today was a day that shouldn’t be missed
That I was trapped in DC makes me pissed

I hope you received the best birthday wishes
-and lots of cute boys gave you big birthday kisses
I’m not talking little pecks on the cheek
I’m talking kisses that stay on your lips all week

I hope you got some quality presents
Good music, good books, perhaps a few peasants!
Though peasants aren’t exactly PC
Perhaps instead, little elves the size of large fleas

Regardless of what kind of presents you got
Or attention received from boys that are hot
I hope your birthday was fun and amazing
Hope your birthday dinner fulfilled every craving

Happy Birthday, Shamai
You’ve survived another year
As usual, I’m so sad
I couldn’t be there

Much Love,

~Jolie

For Once It's Not Belated

Dear Best Friend, it’s been 2 years in a row
That I have missed your birthday due to being far from home
Once again, I am stuck out here in DC
Missing out on all of your birthday glee

If I were there, I’m sure, we would paint the town red
We would dance all night till our legs were like lead
Alas, my daydreams are to no avail
The best I can do is say, “you’re present’s in the mail.”

On this, the celebration of your 26th year
You deserve a host of things that will make you cheer (and perhaps smidgen of something Queer)
You deserve a parade down Oakland’s streets
You deserve Missy E mixin you your very own beats

You deserve to spend all day in your big comfy bed
With leagues of hot women keeping you happy and fed
Or, you could just spend your whole day with Sophia
She’s funny, smart, cute, and couldn’t be sweeatah

However you spend your birthday this year
Please know I wish I could be there

I miss you too much. Happy Birthday!

Love,

Jolie

Who Woulda Thunk It, Nashville Can Suck It

Since Michele hasn’t written to update everyone on her and Kim’s whereabouts, I will take the lead. As of noon, Pacific Standard Time, our girls were in Mt. Vernon, Illinois taking in the sights, smells, and sounds of the annual Watermelon and Corn festival. You might think you are getting fun pictures of this later, but you’re not. Apparently, the sights at Illinois’ Watermelon and Corn festival involve neither watermelon nor corn. Not in real size, super giant size, or mini size. Only scads of cheerleaders and a giant blow-up Scooby Doo – which I’m pretty sure we have all seen before.

After all of this excitement, their original plans involved heading down south to Nashville, but then they realized that they could visit me instead! I believe Kim’s exact words were, "Nashville can suck it." So they called me and told me the plan and I said, "Yes indeed, Nashville CAN suck it. I am cooler than Nashville any day." So there you have it. They are rolling in Tuesday afternoon and spending the night. Saweet.

If anyone else wants to join us, come on over! No need to call ahead.

Brilliant and Hillarious

Trust Me. (and turn the sound up)

back in action!

hey everybody! it's been too long. i think the problem is that my creative writing juices are being sucked up by the ass-load of papers i have to write, and it leaves me nothing much great to write about to y'all. nevertheless, i thought i'd post today, since it's the first time i've been on movable type for ages. i actually figured out how to delete comments ALL BY MYSELF!! frankly, the comments weren't that offensive, but i think i'm high with the power of being able to delete a comment that someone far off made on my site. just try to welcome threequarters back to cementhorizon life! i'll delete your ass so fast you'll be... you'll be... well, when i think of something funny that you will be, i'll let you know.

in other news, this guy came over to see one of our vacant rooms (three people are moving out in june... it is so much sadness) and we realized we had music theory class together all freshman year! 8 o'clock in the fucking morning, 5 days a week, two semesters. it was a total shock for both of us, especially realizing that that was *6 YEARS AGO*. six years. i'm amazed he recognized me, i was usually buried in oversized hoodies and barely had my eyes open in that class. he knows trevor c. and reminded me of a beautiful moment, when we all had to compose original pieces of music at the end of the year, when he had trevor c. sing his composition, which entailed a lot of falsetto singing about the joys of dental floss. ahhh, freshman year. anyway, i think he's going to move in. i'm hoping he doesn't have too many expectations for what i'll be like based on my freshman self. i don't know, have i changed that much? i feel like i'm a different person, but i'm probably not. my hair's just curlier, and that's just a perm.

Colonization Anyone?

I’m just curious, has anybody else around here noticed that we’ve successfully managed to take over yet another country? Our great nation has, in fact, orchestrated a coup d'état right under everyone’s noses and kidnapped a fucking president and nobody seems to give a rat’s ass. They aren’t even pretending to deny it! Ok, it’s true, they are trying to say that Aristide boarded the US planes on his own free will. This is the part that the mainstream media like to pay attention to. But they are leaving out the fact that the US has openly admitted to prompting his resignation. According to Roger Noriega, assistant U.S. secretary of state for Western Hemisphere affairs, the whole thing went down like this…

US – You know, the “rebels” funded by US tax dollars and armed with US guns are on their way to kill you and your wife. Don’t count on your security guards helping you out because the White House has already put in a threatening call to stop them. We’re gonna stand back and watch you die unless you sign a letter of resignation and leave Haiti immediately.

Aristide – I will leave Haiti, but I will not resign.

US – So you choose death?

Aristide – where are the papers?

US – Right here bitch, we’ve had them drawn up for weeks. Now get on the plane.

Aristide – where are you taking me

US – None of your damn business.

Clearly this is the abridged version, but it’s not too far off. Read the transcripts for yourself. That’s the scariest part. The accounts from US officials aren’t very different from Aristide’s account of what happened. The disagreement is over semantics like “encouraged under pressure and fear for one’s life” versus “kidnapped and held against one’s will.”

So why isn’t anyone paying attention? Our government, which is supposed to hail Democracy and justice, just kidnapped a democratically elected president. Several members of congress are outraged and have called an investigation. Yet, when I bring Haiti up with friends or colleagues – all of whom are well-educated, social justice minded people, nobody seems to know what the hell I’m talking about. Now, I know I’m kind of a news junkie, but this is getting ridiculous. Is taking over nations such a routine practice by this point that it’s not even worth our time to take notice?

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Today I had a bonding moment with my staff when we took 45 seconds out of our weekly meeting time to scream really really loud. We didn’t warn anyone, so the incident brought several colleagues peeking through the office door and calling to make sure everything was ok. When we were through, everyone had a big smile on their face and you could feel the relief in the room.

Sometimes it’s important to take time to scream.

I'm Comin Home!!!

I am ecstatic to announce that I will be coming home this summer to work alongside Michele at USF! I just got the job about 20 minutes ago. It’s nowhere close to the BART, so I’ll have to talk to Jason and Tanya about familiarizing myself with the San Francisco bus system - but the position comes with room, board, a plane ticket out there, and good pay to boot! Hard to beat, indeed.

glitter cats and bellydance

michele ma belle...

when i first met you, you taught me how to do my hair and we made the basement of langlow our haven of girly fun-ness, not to mention a hide-out from janelle.

you have supplemented my wardrobe with innumerable articles of clothing.

you have sent me more postcards than everyone i have ever known combined.

you were one of the first to figure out the key to "erica time", namely, lying to me about when events start to get me there in a timely manner (this post is, as you can see, done in "erica time" as well).

you put up with my messiness for more years than anyone else. except maybe jacob.

you've watched me fall in and out of crushes and loves and crushes i thought were loves, and though you knew how things would work out, you waited patiently each time for me to figure it out myself.

you are always there for me, and you are always right.

i love you, sweetness. happy birthday.

~erica

You should always take your heart medicine before looking under the couch…

To the Squirrel Community of Riverdale Maryland:

The residents of “4909” hereby request that you maintain a safe and reasonable distance from our unused chimney, fireplace, and all other entities of the interior residence. The events that have recently transpired have caused undue trauma to us as well as a member of your own constituency. We hope to maintain a respectful, distanced relationship in an effort to avoid any further conflicts or potential casualties. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Sincerely,

The House of Five

So Much Snow

For those of you who don’t know (namely, everyone but Erica), I have just returned from a 6 day adventure in the middle of the woods. I was asked at the last minute to serve as faculty for a leadership retreat and thought it sounded like a good idea. I had heard good things about this program and thought, at the very least, that it would be good teaching experience. A part of me was sad about losing 6 of my remaining days of winter break… but I figured I packed about 3 months of fun into the 2 weeks I spent in SF and Berkeley, so I could make the sacrifice.

So, I flew back to Maryland, worked four 12-hour days (packing in all of the work I wouldn’t be able to do in the woods), purchased my very first set of long-underwear (I swear I’d only heard of long underwear in storybooks that involved dwarves and lumberjacks…but real live people really do wear the stuff), and head off for the woods. When I arrived, I was told that all of my leadership sessions would take place HERE. Well, not exactly. Take this picture and add a layer of snow that has hardened in the cold and turned into ice. Yes, cabin 7 was to be my classroom for the next week, and I was going to like it!

The crazy thing is, that I actually DID like it! The students arrived and they were amazing. They were brilliant and hilarious and thoughtful and everything I could have hoped for. They almost made me forget about the bone-chilling cold.

I returned last night weak and weary from sleep deprivation and an oncoming cold. My throat hurt from breathing in cold air for a solid week. My head hurt from dehydration. And my stomach muscles hurt from the almost constant laughter that being stuck in a cabin with 10 witty college students for 6 days can induce. I can’t really explain it, but I’m sold for life. If I could sign up to do it all over again tomorrow, I would be there in a heartbeat.

Instead, I’ve been bumming around my house, sucking down Dayquil. I was supposed to start class today, but we got 6 inches of snow last night, so campus is closed. More snow is expected tonight, so I don’t know if I have class or work tomorrow either.

In the end, it turns out that I get both fun times in the woods AND an extended vacation. Sometimes everything just falls into place.

Best Winter Break EVER!

Well, my time in beautiful California was crazy fantastic, but I’m back in Maryland where it’s currently snowing and the wind-chill is below zero. Before a left the east coast, I made a list of the things I needed to accomplish. Filled with glee, I’m happy to report that I fulfilled almost all of my objectives and then some. Here’s the rundown.

Original Bay Area To Do List:

· get ears stretched, make out with William in the process. or maybe before or
after the process. Whatever
· go to suriya
· New Year’s Eve with Fairy Butch!
o Play kissing games on stage
o Dance the night away with hotness
o Watch beautiful women take their clothes off
· take naked pictures with Erica, Rachel, and Laura.
· possibly have a lesbian makeout party
· Have 6 feet under marathon
· Watch reality dating shows on tv (preferably bind date, elimidate, or 5th wheel)
· Get together with the gang
· Work on my play
· Make sure to get in some QT with Tanya
· Make sure to get in some QT with Jason Shamai

List of Accomplishments

· Got ear’s stretched…. Made out with William (in my mind), and got dizzy when he caressed my shoulder and back as Erica and I walked out of the back room.
· Went to Suriya and gorged myself on tasty basil goodness and mango with sweet, sticky rice
· Went to Fairy Butch TWICE.
· Played kissing games on stage
· Danced the night away with hotness
· Watched beautiful women take their clothes off
· Blushed as one of the dancers through a chair out of the way to give me a lapdance
· Giggled as I watched Erica make out with a hot soft butch on stage
· Took naked pictures with the girls
· Followed it up with two days of naked body painting
· No lesbian makeout party… but there was a party and it was attended by many lesbians… does that count?
· No six feet under marathon, but I returned to Maryland with HBO on demand, which means that I can watch the current season of Six Feet Under whenever I want! Not too shabby
· Watched Elimidate and enjoyed every sleazy second
· Got together with the gang to record the final group scenes for the musical

I also got to work on my play and spend lots of quality time with Jason Shamai and Tanya – including attending a drag king fund raiser for PISSR (People in Search of Safer Restrooms)

Really, I had an incredible time. After 8 months on the east coast, it was amazing to see everyone and catch up and soak in everything that the bay area has to offer. Upon my return, I immediately started working on getting a summer internship in Oakland or SF. I already have one interview set up and I’m pretty sure there will be more.

Thanks to everyone who made my break amazing. I love you guys. We’ll have to do it again sometime soon. Mwah!

In Addition to the Natural Disasters

I don’t have much to say about the last week or so. After finals I flew from Baltimore to San Diego. After that, I slept for a few days. Then I went to a few holiday parties. And basically I’ve just been bumming around Orange County. Tomorrow I’m supposed to spend time with Aaron’s mom. I’m gonna help her go through some of his things and organize pictures chronologically. On Monday, we are throwing a surprise 80th birthday party for my grandfather.

Last night my brother’s girlfriend’s parents came over to meet my parents for the first time. This is kind of a big deal because my brother generally goes through girlfriends as if heterosexual dating is going out of style and he’s got to break the record before the deadline. I like his current girlfriend, though – and it looks like he might stick with her for a while. She’s a self-proclaimed Feminist (impressive for a 16 year old) and I’m pretty sure she keeps my brother in line. Tomorrow, my brother is going away with her and her family for a weeklong visit with relatives in northern California. This is a picture that my father took of the two of them last night. Pretty cute, eh?

Wintry Mix Anyone???

It sounds like a seasonal cocktail, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s just a fun name given to an unpleasant weather event. Kind of like the way they call, smog in southern California the “marine layer.” Anyway, Maryland is experiencing a Wintry Mix as we speak, which means we are receiving a lovely combination of snow, sleet, and ice rain (another new term I’ve learned). I’m totally excited, can you tell? The snow we had last week (from the noreaster – yet ANOTHER new term) has already melted because it’s been about 50 degrees outside and the sun has been out. But soon soon soon, we’ll be delivered back to the winter wonderland. =)

Birthday Thanks

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who made my birthday special. It’s been a rough year, from applying to grad programs, choosing a school, moving across the country, grieving Aaron’s passing, starting a new job, dealing with my cracked out family, and surviving my first semester of grad school - and each and every one of you have helped me get through it. I am truly grateful.

Special thanks to

Erica – for her adorable post and multiple phone calls
Paul – for the cd and lifesize lesbian makeout poster surprise
Tikki – for the cd. I’ve been rockin the suburbs all week long.
The State of Maryland – for the snow, which made everything fluffy and beautiful
The OSL crew – for the amazing cake (and lack of public humiliation)
And everyone else – for all of your birthday wishes =)

don't worry jason, I'm sure you're the bigger pomo ho

You are a Theory Slut. The true elite of the
postmodernists, you collect avant-garde
Indonesian hiphop compilations and eat journal
articles for breakfast. You positively live
for theory. It really doesn't matter what
kind, as long as the words are big and the
paragraph breaks few and far between.


What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla

happy birthday, beautiful.

jolie my love,

just wanted to let you know you are turning 24 tomorrow (or today, really, on your coast). in any case, just wanted to let you know, in case in all your business you'd forgotten. =)

what can i say? i love you to pieces, and i'm glad you weren't so scared of my eerie resemblance to your stalker ex-girl that you couldn't give me a chance. but really, how could two laughs like ours stay away from each other? it was inevitable. like peanut butter and jelly. like hip-hop and booty shakin'. like the fife house and church. like curly hair and red dye (just kidding! i won't do it, not at least until you've visited and gone back to the east coast).

anyway, i can't get enough of you, baby, and i lucked out when i decided to go on that trip to vancouver with US.

have a lovely day, sugar plum.

love, me

Ode to Persnickety

Taking the lead from Kelly D, Jason R, and my strong desire to procrastinate, I’ve decided to start a Persnickety story corner here on threequarters. The only problem is, I don’t have any really fantastic Persnickety stories of my own. The best I’ve got is this one time when Rea and I were shamefully indulging in SUB Lounge PDA, only to look over and realize that we’d scarred our dear, sputtering friend for life. That said, I will retell a story of Jason Rs, since he seems to have forgotten it.

It all began around Valentines Day. Alicia innocently and dutifully sat in McIntyre Hall in the middle of the night, working on what was most likely a long philosophy paper. In need of a short study break, Alicia decided to check her e-mail. Upon opening her box, she noticed an E-Valentine had been sent to her. When she opened it, a bright and shining Persnickety stared back, proclaiming is undying love. Alicia was thrown into a laughing/screaming fit – drawing attention from all of the other late-night studiers. She soon had an audience, crowding around her computer terminal…new witnesses to admire her luck at inspiring such a striking gentleman caller. Alicia was mortified and quickly tracked down Jason so she could kick his ass. I was pleased at the mere thought of the incident for weeks.

Why the East Coast Sucks: A Qualitative Study

In honor of white settlers killing american indians, I flew back to home base for a whole three days. It was pretty fantastic all around. Though my visit was brief, I still managed to:

*Meet my brother’s latest girlfriend (she’s beautiful and thin with long blond hair and blue eyes – a perfect replica of his last 10 girlfriends, only with slightly more spunk)
*Go to Aliso Creek Beach and watch the sunset
*Drive down the freeway super fast with my brother – dancing to outkast
*Drink with my mom
*Eat fish tacos
*See the damage from all of the fires and inhale mass amounts of ash – which continues to fill the air and cover the ground and everything else with a centimeter-thick blanket of filth
*Drink with Nikki’s family
*Chill with my friend Jenny – who I hadn’t seen in almost 5 years
*Sing and smoke a bowl or two with Jenny’s boyfriend and his garage band
*Drink margaritas with thanksgiving dinner
*Eat more fish tacos and tasty tasty chipotle
*Argue with my father about the positive effects of anger management
*Watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the movie (circa 1990) with a delighted 7 year old
*Sit on the beach in Coronado in short sleeves… soaking up the deliciously warm sun

Now I’m back in miserable Maryland/DC. The second I got off the plane in Baltimore I was stunned by the frigid wave that seemed to come from the people and the winter weather. Soon after, I was charged $16 for a 4 mile cab ride to where I had parked my car at work. I’m hoping to wake up tomorrow morning to a warm smile and welcome home from Auntie Em, but I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna happen. The best I can do is grin and bear it for the next three weeks before my return to paradise.

In the News…

This week I managed to land myself in both The Diamondback (University of Maryland’s independent student newspaper) and The Trail (Puget Sound’s student run newspaper). Both articles are full of high quality quotes.

Diamondback: None Injured After Tow Truck Slams Into Noodles

The Trail: Original, Obnoxious Article (not written by me). My Response. Jason Rs Response.

kids these days

I'm not really sure what prompted it, but I had a few minutes to kill and I decided to plunk around the FOUND magazine website for a while. As usual, there are a million gems, but this one was too much.

The thing I love about these FOUND notes, is that they almost always have a fun twist at the end. It's genius, frankly. I wish that the FOUND tour would come to DC soon. That dude cracked my ass up. Good times, good times.

I'm DNA! How fun is that?

You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

PS - This ridiculously geeky quiz is shamelessly stolen from Jason R's blog. Gotta give credit where credit is due.

that's what I'M talkin' about!

check this shit out.

www.blackpeopleloveus.com (sorry i don't remember how to make a link and i'm too lazy to figure it out right now)

apparently everyone and their dog has seen it already around this house, but maybe some of you are not aware. if you were and you didn't tell me, i'm never talking to you again.

check out the letters people wrote. it seems that several people actually thought it was a serious site, which i'm having trouble wrapping my mind around. anyway, enjoy, my friends, enjoy.

In the Midst of Midterms

A few weeks ago a truck drove through one of the brick walls at the entrance to my university. While I was initially impressed with the administration’s humorous handling of the situation (creating a banner to cover the hole depicting a giant terrapin crashing through the wall),

I am even MORE impressed by the students’ ingenious response.

Fires

Um, how is most of north and east county San Diego on fire? I just got off the phone with my parents. My grandfather just got evacuated from his house and he's not sure whether or not it will be there when he gets back. Cal State San Bernadino is shut down and possibly on fire. My friend Nikki got evacuated from her apartment in Escondido, then she went to her father's house in Santee... but his house is near my grandfather's, so that's not looking hopeful. Her mother was evacuated 3 days ago and she's pretty sure her house has already burned. The lakes that are 2 blocks away from the house I grew up in are on fire. The hills accross the street from my high school are on fire. Both West Hills (my HS) and Santana (the other HS in Santee) have been shut down. My grandfather said the smoke is so thick that he couldn't see accross the street and it was dark inside the house in the middle of the day. He couldn't turn on the lights because the power was out, so he was using flashlights to gather important documents and pack his bags.

My roommate has an aunt in Tierra Santa (a city in San Diego county) and she is pretty sure her house is gone. She lives on the edge of a canyon and she was evacuated early this morning.

I'm just blown away by how extensive the fires are. The Santa Ana winds have caused things to get completely out of control. Crazy shit.

Pre-Halloween POCR Night

Tonight I went to a special, Halloween edition of POCR night (POCR stands for People Of Color Retention). It’s basically a time for all the colored folks in my program to eat soul food, vent about institutional oppression, damn the man, and tell racist jokes that only we get to laugh at. Our group was kinda sparse tonight because everybody has midterms. We couldn’t meet next week because that’s homecoming weekend and everybody has to work. Here is the pic, aren’t we cute? My costume is a shameless rip-off of Jason’s arts&crafts masterpiece from last year. Luckily, no one from my cohort was in the Castro last year on Halloween, so I’m in the clear on this cost ~*sneaky snicker*~

In other news, I’m going to see Ben Folds exactly one week from today. Yay me!

it's the beginning of the end...

I tell you what. This is bad news. For weeks, I've been bitching about not having internet in my house. For every visit to the world wide web, I've lugged my ass to the corner coffee shop that thankfully doesn't charge for using their wireless, and have spent my time frantically doing every internet related thing I can think of before the end of my latte. All the while trying not to stare at the unremarkable yet strangely alluring barista (and yes, folks, he does indeed look like a serial killer).

Those days have changed. Today the Comcast guy made his fourth and hopefully final visit to Casa Bonita in order to fix whatever it was that was fucked up with their product. This means I now have complete access to the internet, from virtually any place in my house, as long as I've got my laptop comfortably atop my lap. Now I will once again be "makin' the rounds, makin' the rounds" of cementhorizon, checking my e-mail to see if anyone, possibly Jon Vonnegut*, has decided to look me up and find out if I'd like to have wild crazy sex sometime**, and probably looking at friendster since I now *have* to join b/c apparently Jason R. has a great testimonial for me, or something. Anyway, the point here is that I have no time for any of this. It's good-bye grad school now. I'll never leave the house. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.***

*name changed to prevent embarassing web searches that could bring up this page)

**mmmm, serial killers

*** you know, I don't know who I'm kidding. I mean, last night, my housemates and I created an elaborate "MISSING" poster for the pancake Kyle and I have been passing back and forth like a divorce-torn child. I'm realizing this is a story that might need some elaboration for anyone to know what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say, I've been spending plenty of time fucking around lately. I'm just going to have to prioritize my fucking around between house pranks and the internet. And the coffee shop guy.

Week of Lame

Basically, it’s only Tuesday and this week already sucks the big one (and no, let’s not get into a debate about whether sucking is a good thing or a bad thing – I’m having a shitty week and I’m a lesbian, and if I want to use sucking as a negative term, I’m going to). I spent almost every moment of this weekend studying and writing papers, but my workload is so overwhelming that I felt completely unaccomplished. Yesterday, I rearranged my work schedule so I could meet with this director because I want to teach this class on LGBT Leadership, but that turned out to be a total waste of my time. When we scheduled the meeting, he seemed enthused about my interest. He even titled his response to my query “Outstanding!” – but then I got there and he basically told me I sucked and needed to teach this other class before he could trust me to teach the class that I’m interested in. Then, I skipped my first class in grad school so I could go to callbacks for the Vagina Monologues. I made it through the first round of cuts (100 down to 38), but in the end, my passion for Vaginas did not impress them. I just got an e-mail thanking me for my time.

Today, I’ve called in sick. Frankly, I think that being sick of this week should count. I’m going to use my extra 5 hours to finish a paper that’s due this afternoon, study for a midterm that I have tomorrow night, and possibly start a paper that’s due next week.

I hope your weeks aren’t sucking as bad as mine. If they are, Mercury is probably in retrograde or something – that bitch of a planet is always fucking things up.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

I probably should have posted this earlier in the day, but it slipped my mind. I spent most of the day in my house where there was no one to come out to. Then I went to work and saw a bunch of people who already know I'm a lesbian. So, in an effort to come out to SOMEONE before the day is over, I'm posting about NCOD here.

Feel free to use this space to come out as whatever seems appropriate.

Six Years ‘Till Thirty!

The first time I can remember meeting our dear Erica was on my 20th birthday. I was very very drunk (as it should be) and she was dropping in on the party with a certain Miss Baynes. To be perfectly honest, I almost spit my yucka across the room because I thought she was an ex that I’d had a rocky break-up with. Erica’s double (who also happens to be named Erica) had been stalking me for a few months and I thought she was using my birthday to kick things up a notch. To my pleasant surprise, she was not Erica M. (my ex), but Erica D – not there to stalk me, just there to partake in the yucka like any red-blooded UPS student. That said, I was still creeped out and pretty much avoided her for the next 10-12 months.

Who knew that such an amazing friendship could grow out of fear, drunkenness, and mistaken identity?

Happy Birthday Beautiful

PS - My original plan was to write you a poem
But my brain was too tired by the time I got home
Yet another occasion where I turn up lame
But the best part about you is that I know you’ll love me just the same.

Our President the Poet

Laura Bush recently shared this poem with a captive audience at the Library of Congress.

"Roses are red, Violets are blue, Oh my, lump in the bed, How I've missed you. Roses are redder, Bluer am I, Seeing you kissed by that charming French guy..."
~By George W. Bush

Who knew we had such a rhetorical talent in the white house? In honor of our dear GeeDubya, I think we should have a poetry contest with “Roses are red, Violets are blue” as the standard format. Topics may include, but should not be limited to: the state of our nation, homework, weather, Michele’s voluptuous breasts, pets, natural disasters, newly purchased “unmentionables,” Erica’s ass, “working it,” and postmodernism.

The initial winner of the contest will be determined via online voting. However, in the spirit of our nation’s Supreme Court system and the state of California, the selection of the actual winner will be negotiated behind closed doors - by people we don’t know. Good Luck to all!

House passes partial birth abortion ban

I told those Green Party bitches that this was gonna happen. I fucking TOLD THEM!

"But the women's movement is too strong - people will fight back," they cried. Where the hell is that pansy-ass Nader now? Huh? Great political strategy MORON. "We don't think the democrats are liberal enough so we'll put Satan in charge instead. That'll show em!"

Back in good ol' fall of 2000, I used to tell people that I might vote for Nader in 2004 if he built up enough of a following to be a legitamate candidate. But he could have 90% of the nation on his side now and I would fuck Rush Limbaugh before giving Nader my vote. He never gave a shit about this nation. If he had, he wouldn't have thrown us to the fucking wolves.

Wow, for a barren Lesbian with no chance in hell of an unwanted pregnancy, abortion politics sure piss me the fuck off.

Best Job Ever

Today our office took a "staff development day." Which meant that I got paid, just like I would have had I gone to work. Except my colleagues and I:

*Sat around in our slippers drinking coffee and hot cider
*Played truth or dare
*Watched Ferris Beuler's Day Off
*Consumed a ridiculous amount of delicious breakfast food including eggs benedict and waldorf salad
*Went bowling
*Played air hockey, ski ball, and other fun arcade games
*Went shopping at the mall
and
*Had an extended happy hour at Chili's, which included drinking and eating tastey tastey appetizers on somebody elses tab

Ah, the joys of Student Affairs.

The Best Friend Test

Joyous trumpets and champagne supernovas! You are 73% rock-solid friend!

The Three Musketeers. The Three Amigos. The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse? you belong, dude, you belong! Some people put their neck on the line for their friends; you put your ass on the line. And by the way, nice ass. People know they can count on you in a crunch, in a jam, and in other food metaphors describing times of desperation. You give the gift of hope, but more importantly, you give the gift of kidney. Your rewards in life will be great, or at least better than other people's. To quote a fortune cookie: "You are soon have a fortunate experiences."

A Time for Reflection

A while ago, Erica was telling me that her mother has been working to create an LGBT resource section for parents in the local school library. Perhaps she should connect with Ms. Davis as a resource! I tell ya, there's a little somethin' out there for everyone these days. I think we should all take this opportunity to remember our own school librarians and the life changes that may have made since we left them.

So Much Cuteness

Warning: The content of this post may be offensive to many in the cementhorizon circle. I apologize ahead of time. That said, I just can’t help myself.

One of the women in my cohort just had a brand new baby and he is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life (well, he may come in second to tiny monkeys, but with tiny monkeys it’s always no contest). Anyway, she went into labor right before the hurricane and she was having a home birth so I was very worried about her with the no power and the lack of mobility in case of emergency. But all is well with the entire family. His name is Kai, which means ocean…which makes him cool right from the start (in addition to being a looker ). This kid has it made in the shade. People with K names are generally pretty awesome.

In other news, Jason R. has inspired my new addiction to friendster.com. As if I needed another distraction in my life when there are faux hurricanes and adorable babies on my doorstep. That said, I have to admit that it’s pretty badass. I’ve already connected with people I haven’t spoken to in many years. It’s definitely helping to alleviate some of my west-coast separation anxiety.

Hurricane Isabel = LAME

Honestly, that has to have been one of the poorest excuses for a natural disaster since – well, I dunno. Our friend Isabel was barely even a tropical storm by the time she got to College Park. She was all talk coming over the gulf stream – sending us into a panic with her 100mph winds and threats of flooding. But she had basically pissed herself out by the time she got to my house. My housemates and I wasted about $140 and time/energy we didn’t have on emergency supplies for no reason. My roommate Paul was so irritated that he was standing on the front porch at the height of the storm taunting the wind and rain. In his finest hour, he threw his hands up in the air shouting, “Is that all you’ve got for us you little bitch? I’ve never seen a storm so wussy in my entire life! You think you’re hot shit because you can blow a few leaves into my yard? Come back when you’re all grown up, I don’t have time to play games little girl.”

I guess the damage is worse in other places. Downtown Baltimore supposedly had 3-5 feet of standing water. Before we lost power we saw pictures of the Potomac spilling over the sea wall. But all in all, Isabel was nothing to write home about. Our house still doesn’t have power. But we all agree that it’s been kind of fun to do our studying by candle light. It makes us feel colonial. =)

Hurricane Isabel

For those of you who don’t keep up with the news, a huge fucking hurricane is expected to hit the DC metro area by midday Thursday. Being from the west coast – land of earthquakes and brush fires – I have no idea what to expect. Frankly, I didn’t even think it would affect me until last night. I was under the impression that hurricanes only bother people who live in beach cities – and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I am NO WHERE NEAR the beach. But I AM near the fucking Chesapeake Bay… and this Isabel bitch is supposed to travel right up it and land on ME!

I called my dad last night to see if he had any advice for how to prepare. His response, “I would call up that Ohio school and see if they still have a spot for you.”

Ah, my family – always with the funny, rarely with the helpful.

I woke up ass early this morning to go buy bottled water and nonparishables before the stores sold out. We decided as a house that we don’t have the money to go buy plywood (which is selling for $33 a sheet – capitalist bastards). On the upside, we realized that with 2 gay boys in the house, we are totally set when it comes to candles – so when the power goes out, we are good to go on the mood lighting.

I’ll probably be out of contact for a few days… but hope that I’m safe. Most people tell me that things will be fine. They are expecting 170mph winds for about 24 hours. But we have a big, comfy basement – and plenty of grad school reading to keep us safe and occupied.

Wish me luck!

Jolie and Football?

I just attended my very first football game. I mean, I went to a few games in high school… but I was so drunk that I paid no attention to the actual game. Plus, I’m told that college games are totally different. Anyway, we kicked the Citadel’s ass SIXTYONE to ZERO. It was fun times.

That said, I probably won’t go back. The overflow of testosterone was a bit much for me. Hundreds of meathead frat guys were wearing shirts that said “Fuck Duke and Sadaam” and shouting things like “West Point Rejects” at the poor Citadel boys. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. The real reason I went was to build up “loyalty points” so I can get tickets once basketball season rolls around. But I think from now on that I’ll get the tickets and stay home.

On that note, I better get back to my paper-writing. Ah, the joys of grad school.

The Votes are In

Ok, so last night I got the results of the stupid MBTI and needless to say, I’m not too thrilled. First off, three out of my four personality characteristics are “slight” on a scale of “slight, moderate, clear, and very clear.” The only thing the test confident in is that I’m an E (extrovert) and not an I (introvert). Big fucking deal, Helen Keller could have told is THAT! The optimist in me if taking the test’s indecisiveness as a sign that I am a little bit of everything, rather than weak in the other three characteristics. I’m gonna go ahead and call myself “well rounded.”

So, for those of you who are into this business, the test says I’m an ENTP. For those of you who aren’t into this business, that means Extroversion/Intuition/Thinking/Perceiving.

ENTPs are characterized as “Quick, ingenious, stimulating, alert, and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems. Adept at generating conceptual possibilities and then analyzing them strategically. Good at reading other people. Bored by routine, will seldom do the same thing the same way, apt to turn to one new interest after another.”

Among other things, our “preferred work environment includes competent people.” LOL, that’s my favorite because dealing with incompetent colleagues is one of my biggest pet peeves. Apparently, I’m supposed to be “unappreciative of the input of others” which makes me sad because I think I appreciate others quite a bit – and let them know that. I think I’m more of an F (feeler) than a T (thinker) in a lot of ways… but according to this test I’m an insensitive bitch. Heehee.

So there you have it.

*In other news, my new plugs came yesterday and I had them put in this afternoon. They are amber colored and the sun looks SO pretty when it shines through. I would send pics, but the silly digital camera isn’t compatible with windows XP – which really sucks since that’s what all of the computers in our house have. Woe is me.

distractions are always nice

Purple: Yours is a rare aura. The rebel and
nonconformist, you don't care what other people think
and are often considered shocking and
outrageous. You see life from a different
perspective than most people you know, but you
are completely at peace with your beliefs. You
are intuitive and like to explore. You can be
compassionate and are prone to temptations.
Secret emotion: Aggression and Imagination


What color is your aura?
brought to you by Quizilla

This quiz is inspired by Jason R's page (where I stole it from) and the fact that I've spent the last 2 hours taking and reading about the stupid MBTI. I miss the good ol' days when my biggest responsibility involved making sure my kid didn't choke anyone during kickball.

Best Weekend Ever

It seems like my summer of depression is coming to an end. The air conditioner in our house hasn't been fixed, but somehow it's no longer oppressively hot. After weeks of searching for a place on the east coast to replace the beloved Gottsi/6601, it finally hit me that I should look on the internet and I found Glasswear Studios. (Jacob, Dianna, and Erica should definately check this place out. They have an awesome selection of glass plugs at very reasonable prices. Plus they seem to know what they are talking about... which is always nice.) AND, best of all, I spent the entire day with Marina yesterday, because this was our last chance to get together before she skips town.

We started of at the Smithsonian and visited the Hirshhorn Museum of Modern Art/Sculpture Garden and the African Art Museum. Both were fantastic, but we ended up having to rush through the African Art because the museum was gonna close.

After all of our museum going, Marina and I were exhausted and turned to Dupont Circle for a little pep. We ended up having dinner at Ben & Mo's, a Sushi Bar/Lounge/Club/Internet Cafe/Hooka Bar with Arabic themed music and decor. Basically, it was pretty fucking awesome. The service was kinda slow and sushi was only a 7, on a scale from 1-10, but the quirkiness of the place more than made up for any shortcomings.

After sushi, Marina and I decided that we weren't quite full enough, so we decided to go for ice cream because Marina said it would "fill in the cracks." (That Marina is a funny kid.) We ended up finding this independent place that I didn't catch the name of, but the ice cream was AMAZING. Marina got something called "Fred and Ginger" that involved sweet cream, ginger, and peach liquor (if my memory serves correctly). And I got a flavor called "libido," which entailed Bailey's Irish Cream and pistachios. Yum! When I ordered, the interaction with the ice cream scooping guy went something like this:

Me: I'd like a single scoop of libido in a sugar cone
Him: (handing me the cone) Alright, here is a big libido for you.
Me: Oh, Thank you (in a sassy tone)
Him: I love you too
Me: (blushing easily because my sassyness had been topped by the ice cream man)

After ice cream we sat in Dupont Circle for a while and caught up on gossip. Then Marina was kind enough to walk me down to the White House because I still hadn't seen it and it was a nice night for a walk.

Bottom Line: This weekend has rocked the house. And I still have two more days left before I go back to work and school. Yeah for last minute summer fun.

weather

One of the coolest things abuot living in Maryland so far is the fact that we have these amazing lightning storms practically every night. Actually, we are having one right now, so I probably shouldn't be using my computer, but a girl's gotta live, right? Anyway... some people see them as inconvenient because they cause our power to go out... and it makes driving a bitch. But I think that they are gorgeous and I love them. After moving away from Puget Sound, I really missed the rain and it's nice to have it back.

Yeah for not hating life!

So yesterday was the first day since moving to Maryland that I have gone to work and not come home miserable. Oddly enough, is was the longest day that I've worked (13 hours). But it was also the first day that all of our students were back... and that is the key. For almost 2 months, I have been going to work, sitting in my lonely lonely office, attending stressful meetings, and returning to my lonely lonely office to cry silently and sift through the piles and piles of work I have to do. There were a few moments where I considered dropping everything and moving back to San Francisco. I thought, "This is HORRIBLE, I've dedicated the next two years of my life to a job that I hate" But my housemates convinced me to hang in there. They didn't want to have to divide my share of the rent. So I stayed. And now I realized that I wasn't in the wrong job at all. I was just miserable because I was practicing Student Affairs with NO STUDENTS. Now, the students are back and I am happy as a clam. Of course, I'm INSANELY busy. But all of you know that I like things that way. Next week I start my own classes, so I'll be even crazier and I'm looking forward to every minute of it. Now I just need to overcome this goddamn heat and humidity and life will be peachy.

it's been nice knowing all y'all...

So I haven't posted in a million years, and Jolie is keeping my sorry ass out of ghost blog territory. I admit this. Let's move on.

I am starting classes tomorrow, and I fear I will never see anyone ever, ever again. Of course, the rational side of me understands that this will not be true, but then the irrational side takes over again and says "Haha! So you're going to be a slacker and be the first person ever to fail all your classes in the graduate school of education. See!?! You didn't even remember to capitalize Graduate School of Education.

On a related topic, my house had a housewarming/going away party, depending on whose friend you were. All in all it was good times, my friends staying conveniently in one corner of the patio, so that I could find them at a moment's notice in all my social butterflying. The Nation of Me also made a very impressive 'goodbye from the doorway' maneuver, expertly deflecting any repeat hug attacks from The Republic of Mizz D. There was one unsettling moment, however. I was pulled into a conversation with two of my newer friends in which it was revealed that one does not vote because it's not worth it, and the other voted for Nader. I happen to feel slightly nauseated at both these stances. Now please, do not consume my comments page with debate over these viewpoints. The point here is that while I tried to express my own dissenting viewpoint several times, I found that my total lack of enthusiasm for debate was so overwhelming, I fairly chugged the last half of my beer, just so I could escape into the kitchen to get another one.

I'm hoping this is not my new MO, since it will be kind of hard to participate in class with no will for discussion. I can just see someone begin to argue that there is no discrimination towards girls in the classroom anymore, and suddenly I'm pouring the contents of my Nalgene bottle down the front of my shirt and excusing myself for the ladies room.

Then again, I probably won't be several cups of sangria and 1 1/2 bottles of Corona in when I'm in class. Probably. In any case, if it takes me another long while to post, it probably means I'm actually applying myself. God forbid.

Much love, Ms.D

Larry Flynt Rocks My World

Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt rose to hero status during the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal when he placed an ad in the Washington Post offering up to $1 million to anyone who could prove they had an "illicit sexual relationship with a congressman."

Now he's charming me all over again with the announcement that he's running in the CA gubernatorial recall election. Don't get me wrong, I would much prefer the likes of Arianna Huffington. But I think Flynt has the potential to tap into something that she can't -- the unwashed masses. When asked about his potentially damaging image as the Prince of Porn, Flynt said, "California is the most progressive state in the union, I don't think anyone here will have a problem with a smut peddler as governor."

Now that's fun!

What do Lesbians, Thai Food, and Arrested Development have in common? They might get me through the next two years.

Yesterday, Marina and I met up in D.C. to attend the Live on Penn summer music festival. I have to say that, so far, my “get to know the D.C. metro area in the few weeks of summer I have before school starts” project is going quite well. The local lesbians have successfully taken me under their wings and introduced me to more women than I met in the entire year that I lived in San Francisco. My housemates have helped me scout out a Thai restaurant that comes dangerously close to Suriya in tastyness (however, the wait staff and clientele aren’t nearly as delicious). I feel like I have a handle on the Dupont bar scene. I’ve been hiking in the gorgeous Maryland wilderness. And I’ve set up a date (with Marina) to take in another D.C. summer tradition, Screen on the Green. All in all, adjusting to the east coast has been rough on me (just ask Erica…I’ve called her practically every night whining about how much I miss home), but I think things might work out.

Things that have won me over so far…

*It’s beautiful here. I had no idea it was gonna be pretty! It’s like Tacoma, only with things to do!

*Lightning bugs and thunder storms. Amazing.

*The metro. Cheaper and faster than the BART. AND, I can park my car at the metro stop and know that it will probably be there when I get back.

*Crazy shit – example: I was in a cab the other night, driving from one club to another… and I look over, and there’s the freaking White House! Right there, so close I could spit on it. Also, yesterday, while I was watching Arrested Development in concert, the capital building was RIGHT THERE behind them. Talk about cognitive dissonance.

Now, don’t get me wrong. D.C. hasn’t won me over entirely. I still intend to return to SF or Oakland after school, providing that I can secure a job in California. People are bitchy here, and I don’t think I could spend the rest of my life so far from the ocean. But I’m starting to feel ok about the move. And I think maybe, just maybe, I’ll survive the two years away from everything I love.

Remembering Aaron

My best friend from high school died last Monday morning. I haven’t posted about anything since then, because it felt weird to be writing about other things without acknowledging him… but before now his passing was too close for me to put down on paper. But I got a call from his Mother today while I was at work. And she wants me to take care of some things for his funeral. So I guess I’m using this space to work my way up to the things she asked me to do.

I met Aaron the summer between my sophomore and junior years in high school. We were introduced by a mutual acquaintance that I’d met earlier in the week while protesting the National GOP convention in San Diego. I was sitting on the sidewalk when he walked up and he sat down next to me. After exchanging names and protest stories we decided that it was too hot to be sitting outside and walked to 7-11 to get some Dr. Pepper. By the time our big gulps had been filled, we were friends for life. From that point on, we spent just about every single day together until the day he left to start college at Berkeley.

Aaron was the first friend I had that made me feel safe. From the day I met him, he had the ability to comfort me, regardless of what was going on in my world. He was the first person to teach me that I could create a family out of the people I met along the way. When we both lived in San Diego, we would spend the night together more often than not, and I would fall asleep with my head against his chest, letting his heartbeat lull me to sleep.

Aaron is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. His poetry and photography are brilliant on levels that I can’t even explain with words alone. In high school, Aaron was constantly winning awards in contests that he never even knew he was part of, because teachers and administrators would recognize his brilliance and enter pieces for him. Despite graduating from high school with high honors, he had no intentions of going to a university. His aunt secretly applied to Berkeley in his name, and informed him of his future plans once he was accepted.

Aaron was incredibly smart, talented, sincere, beautiful, caring, and strong. I have never seen him be mean to anyone…ever…even when they deserved it. Watching him deteriorate over the last year and a half has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. But he was living it, and he never complained. Even when it was clear that he was incredible pain, he was sending peaceful energy out.

The world has suffered a significant loss this week. I know that I sound biased because I love him. But if you’d known him, you would agree.

FINALLY CONNECTED

Whew, after a very long 2 weeks (or so) I am FINALLY connected to the internet again. Actually, I'm typing right now on my brand new laptop, which is sitting on my new coffee table in the middle of my new living room without being plugged into anything because our house is completely wireless. Is that hot or what!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First, I must address "the drive."

Day 1/Dana Point to Las Vegas/5am-10am: Not much to say here. The drive was short, Vegas was hot (and not in a good way), but that was to be expected. I was with my parents so basically we just toured the newer hotels and acted like big tourists.

Day 2/Vegas to Denver/4:30am-7:30pm: Driving in the desert so early in the morning was gorgeous. This is the first time in my life that I've ever understood people like Jason who try to preach the aesthetic virtues of sand and cacti. the horizon was this beautiful lavender color. And I was awed by the types of wildlife that seem to thrive in the middle of nowhere. For future reference, Bjork's Vespertine is the perfect album to listen to in this environment. That said, Bjork can only get you so far. By 10:30, when the sun had been up for a few hours, I was ready to let Jason and Edward Abbey have their freaking desert. The rest of the day sucked big hairy balls (sorry Sean). Utah has to be one of the most pointless states in the nation on so many levels. Don’t get me wrong. A few parts were pretty for about 2.5 seconds. But the fact that I was passing out from heat exhaustion overruled the burnt sienna bluffs.

Day 3/Denver on the 4th of July: On the 4th we stayed with my uncle Jerry and his long-term girlfriend/domestic partner Pilar. The visit was nice for the most part. But really, the most important part is that they have this AMAZING view. I sat up on their roof with Pilar (which was actually unnecessary for the view, but was fun nonetheless). We could see about 9 different fireworks displays from our vantage point. It was kickass.

Day 4/Denver to Des Moines/6:30am-7pm: Once we left Denver, humidity entered into the mix of summer fun. So, in addition to passing out from heat, I was also suffocating due to the fact that the air was too damn thick to breath. But, the scenery certainly picked up. Nebraska and Iowa are actually quite pretty. I waved to Alicia’s parents as I drive through Omaha.

Day 5/Des Moines and Iowa City: My mom and I decided to spend a day in Iowa to visit family and friends. We also went to the cemetery and brought flowers to my grandmother, great grandmother, and great grandfather.

Day 6/Iowa City to Maryland/4am-9pm: Here’s a quick tip… NEVER DRIVE THROUGH INDIANA, ILLINOIS, OR OHIO UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. This was probably the most boring, depressing, and expensive portion of the trip. All of the highways have tolls, so it cost my mom and I about $30 without counting gas just to get out of the Midwest. Pretty lame.

We finally arrived in Maryland on Monday night. My mom and I were exhausted, but we stayed up until 2am talking to my housemate Dan. I have a lot to say about Maryland, but I’ve typed enough for now. More posts to come that are more entertaining and less complaining about heat and driving. Also, I have tons of pictures… but my new comp has windows XP, and apparently the camera I snagged from my father doesn’t like XP. So there are kinks to be worked out. Hope everyone is well. I miss everyone dearly.

The Journey Begins

Well hello out there! After two long weeks in Orange County, I’m heading out. During my time here I spent about a week and a half in bed with mono. I went to two movies with Scott Miller. I did some quality catching up with old high school friends. Buried my grandmother’s ashes. Got into numerous fights with my father. And revisited San Diego’s gay club scene with my ex-boyfriend.

Late tonight/early tomorrow morning I’ll start out on my trek. My mother and I will be in my car and we are caravanning with my father (who will be hauling the boat). We’re spending tomorrow in Vegas, where it’s supposed to be 107 degrees. Then we’re moving on to Denver where we will spend the 4th of July with my Uncle Jerry. Next we’re driving from Denver to Des Moines. I’m probably most excited about this part because I haven’t been to Des Moines since my other grandmother died 4 years ago. I used to spend my summers there growing up, so it’s gonna be kinda nostalgic. On the 7th, my mom and I are leaving my father in Iowa and attempting to drive the rest of the way to Maryland in one go. This should be my last post for a while because I don’t anticipate having any internet access until I get to my new house… but ya never know.

I’m gonna try to snag my dad’s digital camera so I can be like Gene and post pics of the trip when I get to the other side of the country. Wish me luck! ;)

Disneyland Highlights

Cutest: Being told by a 6-year-old on the Autopia ride “OK, you take the pedal and I’ll steer!”

Most Fun: Riding on California Screamin’ for the 3rd time right before they closed the park and thinking “wow, this time didn’t make me want to puke nearly as much as the first two times did!”

Grossest: 4-D “A Bug’s Life” movie in the Disney California Adventure park. First, a stink bug sprays the audience and the auditorium fills with an inundating mist of stench. Then, at the end of the movie, the narrator says “please stay seated until the termites and grubs have had a chance to exit the theatre.” When he says this, parts of the seat raise up and it actually feels like you have hundreds of bugs crawling under your ass. Gross Gross Gross.

Coolest: Being there when the park opened at 6:30am, so no one else was there and all of the rides were empty. Within 30 minutes, I rode on Indiana Jones, Thunder Mountain, the Materhorn, and Start Tours. I would have gone on Space Mountain too, except for how it’s closed until 2005! Can you believe that bullshit? Apparently they are adding a bunch of stuff to it though.

And last, but not least in the least…Most Embarrassing:

Setting – The Aladdin stage show. This is part of the new California Adventure park. It’s a full (Broadway) scale show in a plush concert hall that seats between 3,000-4,000 people. We are sitting in the center of the Mezzanine section (so, essentially, we are at the epicenter of the concert hall).

20 minutes into the show: A cell phone rings. At first, I can’t place it. But then the owner answers it, and the guy is sitting in the row behind me, and to my left about 3 seats over. He doesn’t have a conversation. He just says, “hello…ok, bye.” People give him dirty looks, but nothing major. And the show goes on.

5 minutes later: The guy’s cell phone rings again. Halfway into the first ring, my father (who is in my row, about 4 seats to my right…. Making him separated from the guy with the cell phone by a good 7 seats) LEAPS UP, pushes past the people who are in the way, and yells at the top of his lungs “TURN THE CELL PHONE OFF, RIGHT NOW, DO YOU HEAR ME, TURN IT OFF OR I WILL COME OVER THERE AND TAKE IT FROM YOU!!!” Mind you, my father is a large black man with a voice that carries better than mine (and that’s sayin something).

Our entire section was scared shitless. And I stand firm in my belief that the only reason the ushers didn’t haul my father off is because they were scared of him too.

Jolie, you've been stuck in Orange County for over a week with your disfunctional family! What are you gonna do next???

I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!

Yes, that's right kids. Tomorrow I am spending the entire day in the magical kindom with my brother and his flavor of the week, the father I'm barely on speaking terms with, and his ex-girlfriend from college!

What is that you're asking? Have I gone insane? Yes, I think I have!

Wish me luck.

AIDS, Statistics, and What the Fuck?

So, this post is mostly piggybacking off of a post on Jason Rs page from 6/26/03 (the date is important because he doesn’t title his posts). Essentially, Jason was pointing out that the most stigmatized group in the AIDS pandemic is shifting from gay men to women in their 20s—due to the fact that young women are contracting HIV at a faster rate. Really, he had a lot more to say and you should go read his original post, but that is the part I’m focusing on.

Here’s my question. Where the hell do people think these women are getting HIV from??? I mean, the numbers are undeniable. Women in their 20s (especially young women of color) are being infected with HIV at an alarming rate. But they certainly aren’t infecting each other! Transmission of HIV through lesbian sex can be done, but you have to work at it. The vast majority of women are being infected by straight men. So why are there so many more women who are infected? Two reasons. #1 – Due to the biological mechanics of (unprotected) heterosexual intercourse, more (virus filled) body fluid leaves the male and enters the female than leaves the female and enters the male. Thus, an infected man can have sex with several women and leave enough semen behind to infect each of them. But, an infected woman can have sex with several men, and the amount of her vaginal secretions that manages to enter those men’s systems is going to be significantly lower. So both men and women are having sex, but women are being infected far more frequently. #2 – I believe that the same “few” men are infecting multiple women. Because our society teaches men to be tough and unconcerned with their health, while praising them for their promiscuity, men who may not know they are infected are filling their societal gender roles by getting as much play as they can—and unwittingly infecting their female counterparts in the process.

I guess my point in all of this is that it blows my mind that our culture is so focused on the end, rather then the means. As a society we are so comfortable with the act of stigmatization that we have ceased to ask questions and seek out the source of the problem.

please don't crash! please don't crash!

So I saw the most disturbing thing yesterday. I was merging onto 24 from 580 when this motorcycle cut across two lanes so as not to miss the exit. This put them slightly in front of me two lanes over. No big deal, eh? Except for the fact that sitting behind the hefty man driving was this gorgeous woman in a small black bikini. I think she might have had boots on and a helmet, but nothing else. Also, she was only holding on with one hand, as the other hand was occupied with massaging the driver's shoulder. At first my brain was like "Oh my god, that woman is so fucking hot!" but of course, the more logical part of my brain jumped in and said "Oh my god, that woman's skin is going to be completely ripped off if they crash!" My brain spent the next few minutes battling it out, alternately screaming "hot!" and "flayed!" at a dizzying rate. These reactions overlapped each other to the point where I felt like a character straight out of the movie "Crash." Hmmm, James Spader. I want to watch "Secretary" again... mmm... Maggie Gyllenhaal... oh! Are you still here? That's all there is to the post really. loves, ms*d

+

=

I'll see your lemons and I'll raise you a glass of lemonade...damn tastey

About a month ago, the power source on my Compaq laptop started being spastic. The battery wouldn't hold a charge. And sometimes it would act like it wasn't plugged in, even if it was. This was incredibly frustrating and stressful, but I am a slacker, so I put off taking care of it until I came down to So-Cal.

Let me tell you, friends and colleagues, being a slacker has never paid off so heavily. I told my dad about the situation, hoping he would volunteer to take my laptop over to CompUSA (considering my car is in the shop AND I have mono). But instead he asks if I still have the receipt, and luckily I do. At this point, my father plucks up the laptop, which was purchased 3 years ago, and returns it to Costco for a full refund! Then, he takes the $1300 and buys a brand new Toshiba laptop with all the bells and whistles, and still has $300 left over at the cash register.

List of Bells and Whistles that my old laptop didn't have:
*a dvd player
*the ability to burn cds
*a kickass screen that can be seen from all angles and is super duper clear
*cool shit that makes it run really fast

Obviously, I am no computer expert. But I do know that Costco's return policy kicks serious ass and I am hooked up!

Tiny Monkeys

Ok, it’s official. I’m going to start posting once a day, if not multiple times a day. Who knows how long it will last. Perhaps only as long as I’m trapped in Orange County. I guess time will tell.

Another thing that’s official is that I’m going to join Erica in the ranks of people with tiny tiny rooms next year. This afternoon, while on a three-way call with 2 of my housemates… we called another member of our cohort and had him pick names out of a hat to determine who got stuck in the small room. As luck would have it, my name got pulled last. So next year I’ll be living in a box that is 8’ X 9.5’. To give you an understanding of what this means, I’ll list a few examples of other things that are about the size of my bedroom next year.
*the handicap stalls in most public restrooms
*the walk-in closet I had in San Francisco
*the pens they keep bucking broncos in right before they release them at rodeos

Yeah, it’s gonna be stellar. I keep trying to remind myself of all the things I told Erica when she decided to take the tiny room in Berkeley. “You can put shelves up on the walls.” “It’ll seem bigger if you paint it a lighter color.” “Buy a few plants and they will liven things up.” Somehow, I seem less convincing when I’m giving myself these pieces of advice. My only consolation is that I will be paying super cheap rent, which is another thing I convinced Erica to focus on not so long ago.

Any other bright ideas???

A Letter to Liz Phair

Dear Liz,

Hello! How are you? How are you enjoying your new life as a sell-out media whore?

Let me start over.

Hello Liz Phair. I have been a fan of yours for many years. Though I happened upon your body of work well after you'd started in the industry, I have listened to and valued your albums with such intensity since discovering them, that I feel justified in calling myself a true fan.

I have never written a letter to an artist before. No, not even a fake letter like this that will never actually get to the artist. Let's not quibble. The point here is that while there are many actors, artists, musicians and the like that I admire, I have never felt the urge to address personally another human being with which I have had no personal contact.

Frankly, I had never thought of addressing you until quite recently. Your music up until now has been nothing short of inspired, but the image I had of you as an artist came crashing down around me not two weeks ago. I was driving with my friend Jolie, when a catchy little pop tune came on the radio. I noted that I'd never heard this particular hook, and sat back to enjoy what I anticipated to be another listenable, but generic song from the likes of Avril Lavigne, or perhaps Michelle Branch. But nay, my good friend informed me that this was the new Liz Phair single she'd heard and had indeed warned me was not quite up to par.

Not quite? Not at all!! Liz, how could you? The melody was repetitive and sickly sweet. The lyrics were banal, reminiscent of the inner-workings of a 14-year-old girl's brain. As I drove along listening to you, with your newly "improved" vocal range, apparently modeled after the Olsen twins on helium, I wondered what on earth could make you trade in lyrics like "fuck and run, fuck and run... even when I was 17, fuck and run, fuck and run... even when I was 12" for "Why can't I breathe, whenever I think about you..."

I know some people thought you'd already sold out on your last album, "whitechocolatespaceegg", but I was willing to stand by you even then. Though your lyrics and music were less angry, less blunt (no more "I want to fuck you like a dog, I'll take you home and make you like it") you were still questioning conventions:

"Do you wanna be a polyester bride?
Do you wanna hang your head and die?
Do you wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
Do you wanna flap your wings and fly away from here?"

and analyzing your life:

"All these babies are born
to the wrong kind of people.
And I wish I had known I was not good enough."

Now what? You're hyperventilating? It's not that I can't enjoy the good bubble-gum song now and again. But from you, Liz Phair? I feel like a life-long Christian who, flipping through the channels, sees a commercial for a new sitcom starring Tony Danza and Jesus Christ. I mean, there's nothing terribly wrong with sitcoms, but he's the fucking savior of our souls!

I know I don't really know you, Liz Phair, and I suppose you must do what you must do. But you've let me down. You've traded in your insight, honesty, and biting humour for a spot on the top-20 countdown and cover shoots on all the best teen magazines. I thank you for your previous artistic efforts, and wish you much luck with your new career, you fucking hypocritical bitch.

With much sincerity,
erica

Depressed in Dana Point

What is the worst possible way to spend the precious few weeks of summer you’ve been granted before going back to grad school!?! “Ooooh ooh, I know,” yelps the overly eager kid in the back as he strains to reach his arm as high into the air as possible because he KNOWS he’s right. “The worst way to spend your few precious weeks of vacation is stuck in Orange County, with a family that makes you miserable, sick with mono so you don’t even have enough energy to leave the hell hole you’re trapped in.”

“Yes Johnny, you’re right! You get a gold star!”

So that’s pretty much my scene. You would think Southern California would be the PERFECT place to spend your summer vacation. It’s warm and sunny and full of fabulous beaches to scamper about on. And it would be, if I didn’t already have a fever from the mono, making additional warmth from the sun unbearable.

I have managed do pump myself full of Dayquil long enough to go out a few times (at night of course). Last night I went to visit Scott G. Miller at his new place in Brentwood (so fancy). We went to dinner at this Pub type place in Santa Monica called Ye Old King's Head. It kicked ass. Then we went to see Spellbound, a documentary that follows 8 kids at the national spelling bee. It also kicked ass. I highly recommend it to those of you who are fans of American Movie, Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman, and other hilarious shit.

Close Call

I stole this quiz from Jason R's page. I'm posting my results in celebration of the fact that I haven't been totally jaded by my ex-girlfriend's recent visit. Yeah for narrowly avoiding bitterness!

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Before and After

I've recently realized something crucial about the trouble with me and blogging. As I understand it, I'm supposed to blog about what's going on in my life...daily events...etc. However, the problem with this setup is that I never have time to post when things are actually happening in my life. And when I DO have time to post, I don't have anything interesting to blog about. Hopefully, this will all change when I'm move to Maryland (in less than a month) because I'll be working in an office and I'll have more time to be on the internet in general. Who knows.

But anyway, let's get to the real reason I'm posting... fun pictures. Yesterday I cut off all of my hair and gave it to kids with cancer. Erica also got her hair cut pretty damn short. In other news, the love of my life has managed to become even hotter and more lesbianic than the last time I showed you all a picture of her. I don't know how that happens... but I ain't complainin.

Here is me before
and after

Here is Erica with her new look.

But best of all, here is the new (and improved, in my oh so humble opinion) Miss Astro
.

Can you believe that shit???

The End

fucking beautiful

THIS

is possibly the coolest thing i have seen in seventy years.

Courtesy of Mr. Mitchell.

Enjoy!!

-erica

STARKERS!!!

oh, coachella, how i love you. i had forgotten what a barrel full of crazy monkeys you were. here are some of my favorite moments from the trip:

* i walked into the room, and saw michele and jacob with a look of awe and adoration on their faces. i inquired, and found that gene had made us eight cd's with two songs from almost every band playing at coachella. i proceeded to make the same face.

* then i went over to the bookcase and found the playboy i'd noticed earlier. opening to the centerfold, michele and kristen's looks went from awe and adoration, to awe and crushed childhood memories, staring at the extremely artificially enhanced coconuts of Tiffany, pop queen of the mid-eighties. the girl was STARKERS, let me tell you!

* jacob and i proceeded to rate songs on gene's cd's with boobs and areolas. good times.

* watching spearhead made me all gooey and lovey and fuck-dubya-ey inside. i fucking love those guys. and they were throwing cd's into the audience, and a huge guy behind me reached up and snagged one, then promptly knelt down to my level and handed it to me. i have never been able to catch things in an audience, due to the fact that i am the tiniest of tiny. so that was pretty sweet. and then i went up and radioactive, who does beatbox and backup vocals and stuff, signed my cd. and the best part of that was that some kid behind me reached over my shoulder and held out his hand for radioactive to take something. so he holds out his hand and the kid drop a half a bowl of pot into it and just walks away silently. haha!! and the security guard was just like "you got any of that for me?" stoners. they're somethin' else.

* i also got my cd signed by ben folds, which you've all read about and seen on sushi. but i HAVE to write about it, since for me it was a whole other time traveling sort of experience. i mean, i literally was transported back to the age of 16. i got all nervous as we were going up, and i was fidgeting, putting lip gloss on, trying to breathe. it was silliness. but i am proud of myself, when i got up to him, he said "hey, how you doing?" and i said "good, how 'bout yourself?" which of course he didn't answer since he was busy signing my cd at the time. but so then i said my rehearsed line "i think you are the best ben here" which is insane that i thought that would be good to say, but see, he'd been joking on stage about how there are so many other ben's playing at coachella (ben kweller, ben harper) and i also didn't want to say something outrageously serious, but wanted to express my adoration without using the words "love" "music" "touched" or "meaningful"... so that's the best i came up with. anyway, he kind of laughed and said thanks and then we took a picture with him and HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY BARE SHOULDER. i almost melted, though that could have been from the 85 degree weather too. oh, and then when i said thanks he said "no problem" and kind of patted my shoulder. i'd like to think ben folds was trying to be all up on me, but really i think it was probably a pat like you'd give a really cute puppy. but whatever, i'll take that too! see, how i am with the 16-ness of it all? sheesh.

*after leaving the concert on sunday, we were in the parking lot, where kristen had put her t-shirt on, and skillfully removed her bikini top from underneath. sharing in the relief her breasts felt in their new-found freedom, she let out a tremendous "whoooo!!", flinging her top skyward, right as some cute guy came around the side of the truck. oh lord, what a beautiful moment.

* one of my last memories before passing out in the backseat while other, less caffeine-challenged drivers took over, was pulling to the side of the parking lot in a gas station, turning the car off, and making everyone be very quiet while i called the sub line to say i was sick and wouldn't be at work the next day. suckas!!! but really, i deserve it, goddammit.

all in all, quite the wonderful weekend. thanks to ben folds, who i know is still reeling from touching my shoulder; thanks to black-eyed peas, for creating one of the most ridiculously offensive songs i've ever heard; and thanks to the coachella road-trip crew-- it was great haning out with you guys. i feel like i haven't seen you nearly enough lately, and i had been missing you. let's get together again soon, starkers or no starkers.

Verbatim

Me: By the way, I met Alice Walker last night.

My Dad: You’re kidding me, that’s incredible!

Me: I know! This is why I love living in San Francisco.

My Dad: You know, he used to go to our church.

Me: No WAY! Why have I never heard about this??? …wait a second, Alice Walker never lived in San Diego… Dad, you are talking about Alice COOPER. Alice Cooper used to go to our church.

My Dad: Oh wait, Alice Walker is that Color Purple chick, isn’t she?

Me: Yes Dad.

Restoring my Faith

Since the day U.S. bombs started dropping in Iraq, I have been searching for ways to assuage my incredible rage and grief over the cruelty that is taking place. My first instinct was to protest because this has always been my primary method of catharsis. There is something so incredibly rejuvenating about collecting with others who share my sadness and anger and screaming through the streets at the top of my lungs. Chanting my demands for justice in a chorus of thousands…having my song fall on the ears of anyone who happens to be nearby…making my disapproval known on a wider scale…these things have always been able to restore me in the past.

But protest failed me this time around. I was met with police brutality, frustration from my friends and their mothers who disagree with my tactics, and complaints from coworkers about how much I was costing the city I love. Last week, I felt like a teenager who had slit her wrists as a cry for help, but instead of the world waking up to all of the things that have gone wrong, I was chastised for spilling blood on the carpet.

When protest was unsuccessful, I tried surrounding myself with things that have made me happy and comforted me in the past. Baseball, sushi, barbecues, weed, Missy Elliot… but the more I indulged in this ridiculous regimen of self-medication, the more guilt I felt for my tendency toward consumption. I kept thinking about the innocent Iraqis that are being slaughtered in order to ensure that I maintain the privilege of buying raw fish for dinner and picnicking in a beautifully manicured park.

But last night I think I found the answer to how I’m gonna get through this war with my soul intact. I went to hear Alice Walker speak and read from her new book of poems. And she was so incredibly wise and strong that I was overcome with hope. I had gotten to a point where I was beginning to doubt whether true wisdom existed and whether beauty was possible without being connected to the oppression of others. But Alice walker dashed away those fears in one fell swoop. Her voice was clear and her courage washed over the audience like a river. I left feeling baptized by her strength.

I have decided that the artist will get me through this war. It seems like such an obvious answer now that I know it. Artists have the capability to renew my faith that life is full of preciousness and that the world is full of beautiful things to take in if I challenge myself to see them. Artists remind me that there are brilliant people in this world, even if they aren’t the ones selected to run the country I live in. Artists have the capability to reveal truth, even when it is shrouded in layers upon layers of hate-filled lies. The artist is a warrior of another kind, and she will carry me through this.

But Can They Write Musicals???

Here it is, folks. These are the people that I'll be spending the next two years with in Maryland. Aren't they cute???

Keeping the Enemy Close

After a year and a half of research, essay writing, interviewing, and constant stress, I am extremely relieved and proud to announce that I have finally selected a Grad School!!! This fall I will be attending the University of Maryland (College Park). Yes, I will be living down the street from President Bush because I believe in keeping my enemies close. A few notable facts:
1. I will be a student in the #1 counseling program in the country.
2. My school’s mascot is "Testudo the Terrapin." Yes, that’s a turtle.
3. My new school’s fight motto is, in fact, "Fear the Turtle!"
4. I will be 10 minutes from Washington D.C., so you people better come and visit me.
5. I will be working as the Graduate Coordinator for Student Involvement & Leadership at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County.
6. I also hope to work as the house mom in a Fraternity or Sorority (although, I haven’t secured this position just yet).
7. For the first time in my life I’ll be in classes that have just as many students of color as white students.
8. For the first time in my life I’ll be attending a school that is mentioned in a Missy Elliot song. =)

Thanks to all for putting up with me when I was stressed and insane.
Much Love,
Jolie

Gurlz Gone Wild Part II

When we left off, Jolie and Said Girl were having crazy wild lesbian sex. I won’t say too much because my mama taught me not to kiss and tell. But she also taught me to share the lessons I’ve learned with those around me. Lesson #1: Even when it’s fast and furious, Lesbian sex lasts surprisingly long. I remember one time in high school, having a conversation with my friend Ella about this fact. In our recklessly silly youth we were lamenting about the fact that entire days and sleep schedules had to be altered to accommodate the marathons that might ensue. Well, the adventure with said girl was no different.

Saturday, 8:00am – After less than two hours of sleep, the alarm clock goes off because said girl is scheduled to have breakfast with her mother in Berkeley at 8:30. I’m wary because I expect her to be freaked out about the night before. But she is adorable and not spazzy at all. She smiles and says she’s glad she spent the night and then we kiss goodbye. On her way out she says, “I can’t wait to tell my mother I’m dating a girl.” I am impressed by her readiness and thrown off by how comfortable she is with the way things are moving so quickly. I think about this briefly and then I fall back asleep for several hours.

Saturday, 1:00pm – Erica and Emily call (they have been at breakfast with Laura, who is in town visiting). Erica notices my groggy voice:
Erica: Did I wake you up!?!
Me: Yeah, but it’s ok, I should get up anyway.
Erica: Dude, I can’t believe you’re still asleep, what time did you get home last night!?!
Me: Eh, well…. Said girl and I got home around 1:00, but we didn’t get much sleep.
Erica: Oh no you didn’t!
Emily: WHAT, are you SERIOUS.
Me: Um, I’m gonna go back to sleep. I’m really tired. Talk later, k?

Saturday, 3:00pm – Erica, Emily, and I leave for Tahoe. Said girl and a car full of her (and Emily’s) friends are already on the road an hour ahead of us. This weekend had been planned before any dating or sex had taken place. Before the sex, said girl and I had talked about “staying chill” up at the cabin. After sex, we revamped the plan and agreed that we would stay in the same room in Tahoe and that there would probably be more sex. We talk about how this will be ok because everyone who will be at the cabin already knows that we’re dating.

Saturday, 8:00pm – Erica, Emily, and I arrive at the cabin. Emily’s step-brother,
Frank (who lives at the cabin) greets us with hugs and shots of jager meister. The others are already well on their way to drunkenness. Said girl and I make eye-contact and smile, but she is involved in a drunken game of pool and I am eager to start catching up with those