Threequarters

you make me happier than snails

i just had the funniest experience. i went to safeway after nannying, and upon returning to my car found a snail smack dab in the middle of the hood. so of course i did what any rational person would do, namely lean over so my face is three inches from said snail and start up a one-sided conversation in a high-pitched, cutesy, i'm-talking-to-something-tiny voice. at which point i noticed some people getting out of the car next to me, giving me some odd looks, as if they didn't see girls standing attentively over the hood of their cars and cooing all the time.

feeling i should probably explain myself, i continued to talk to the snail and scan the parking lot for a place to put him until they walked up. what is it? they asked, and i told them a snail, and explained that i was worried he'd fly onto my windshield if i left him there, but i also didn't think he'd make it five minutes in safeway's concrete land of snail death. so at this point i thought they'd say 'uh-huh' and go about their safe waying, but instead the guy was like you should take him home to your garden! and then i said ok, good idea, and then he actually helped me scoop the snail onto a piece of paper i had in my car. after wishing my new found friend and me a pleasant evening, and warning me that i'd better not eat it (as if!) he followed the others inside.

at which point i entered into the most TEDIOUS RACE I HAVE EVER HAD. you see, i didn't want the snail to crawl off the paper onto the floor of my car, b/c i'd never get it off the carpet, so i spent three blocks yelling at him and telling him he'd better not go one more millimeter, mister! and then the last two blocks i actually held the piece of paper up as he slid along the edge, eeeever so slowly, but still too fast for me!! it was horrific. anyway, i finally made it home and placed him on a leaf in the back patio. good goddamn, that made me happy. i am full of love. snail love. happy valentine's day, everybody. you all make me happier than snails.

p.s. i just found out from jolie that snails destroy gardens. no one must speak a word of this to the guy downstairs that none of you know. understand me? ok then, i still love you.