February 13, 2003

you make me happier than snails

i just had the funniest experience. i went to safeway after nannying, and upon returning to my car found a snail smack dab in the middle of the hood. so of course i did what any rational person would do, namely lean over so my face is three inches from said snail and start up a one-sided conversation in a high-pitched, cutesy, i'm-talking-to-something-tiny voice. at which point i noticed some people getting out of the car next to me, giving me some odd looks, as if they didn't see girls standing attentively over the hood of their cars and cooing all the time.

feeling i should probably explain myself, i continued to talk to the snail and scan the parking lot for a place to put him until they walked up. what is it? they asked, and i told them a snail, and explained that i was worried he'd fly onto my windshield if i left him there, but i also didn't think he'd make it five minutes in safeway's concrete land of snail death. so at this point i thought they'd say 'uh-huh' and go about their safe waying, but instead the guy was like you should take him home to your garden! and then i said ok, good idea, and then he actually helped me scoop the snail onto a piece of paper i had in my car. after wishing my new found friend and me a pleasant evening, and warning me that i'd better not eat it (as if!) he followed the others inside.

at which point i entered into the most TEDIOUS RACE I HAVE EVER HAD. you see, i didn't want the snail to crawl off the paper onto the floor of my car, b/c i'd never get it off the carpet, so i spent three blocks yelling at him and telling him he'd better not go one more millimeter, mister! and then the last two blocks i actually held the piece of paper up as he slid along the edge, eeeever so slowly, but still too fast for me!! it was horrific. anyway, i finally made it home and placed him on a leaf in the back patio. good goddamn, that made me happy. i am full of love. snail love. happy valentine's day, everybody. you all make me happier than snails.

p.s. i just found out from jolie that snails destroy gardens. no one must speak a word of this to the guy downstairs that none of you know. understand me? ok then, i still love you.

Posted by ms*d at February 13, 2003 09:57 PM

Ooh, Michael's gonna kill you. Or maybe it'll inspire his work. "I call it, 'Snail Tracks, In Three Flourescent Colors.'"

Posted by: jason on February 14, 2003 05:19 AM

Oh yeah, I'll see your "I love you more than snails" and raise you an "I love you more than abstract art made by snails." How do ya like them apples? =) Happy Valentines Day!

Posted by: Jolie on February 14, 2003 11:44 AM

dood. you post one of the most brilliant snail stories i've ever read and then you abandon us to snail deprivation for DAYS. come back and update! the both of youse! i mean i have pink eye and i updated. (of which i am still not absolving you of blame. somehow you must have given it to me without getting it yourself. and don't even think of hypochondriaching yourself into believing you have it. what little dots on your finger? =P )

Posted by: michele on February 23, 2003 04:06 PM

I agree with Pinky the Optical Wonder. Post something.

Posted by: jason on February 23, 2003 07:04 PM

i hate you.

Posted by: michele on February 23, 2003 07:45 PM

yeah jason. she can SEE your sarcasm no matter how you try to hide it. I hope you are blushing PINK with shame. from now on we're all going to keep an EYE on you.

(...michele has pinkeye.)

Posted by: didofoot on February 23, 2003 08:59 PM

your ASS is GRASS, baby.

(...kristen's butt is green)

Posted by: michele on February 23, 2003 10:08 PM