March 11, 2003

Gurlz Gone Wild Part II

When we left off, Jolie and Said Girl were having crazy wild lesbian sex. I won’t say too much because my mama taught me not to kiss and tell. But she also taught me to share the lessons I’ve learned with those around me. Lesson #1: Even when it’s fast and furious, Lesbian sex lasts surprisingly long. I remember one time in high school, having a conversation with my friend Ella about this fact. In our recklessly silly youth we were lamenting about the fact that entire days and sleep schedules had to be altered to accommodate the marathons that might ensue. Well, the adventure with said girl was no different.

Saturday, 8:00am – After less than two hours of sleep, the alarm clock goes off because said girl is scheduled to have breakfast with her mother in Berkeley at 8:30. I’m wary because I expect her to be freaked out about the night before. But she is adorable and not spazzy at all. She smiles and says she’s glad she spent the night and then we kiss goodbye. On her way out she says, “I can’t wait to tell my mother I’m dating a girl.” I am impressed by her readiness and thrown off by how comfortable she is with the way things are moving so quickly. I think about this briefly and then I fall back asleep for several hours.

Saturday, 1:00pm – Erica and Emily call (they have been at breakfast with Laura, who is in town visiting). Erica notices my groggy voice:
Erica: Did I wake you up!?!
Me: Yeah, but it’s ok, I should get up anyway.
Erica: Dude, I can’t believe you’re still asleep, what time did you get home last night!?!
Me: Eh, well…. Said girl and I got home around 1:00, but we didn’t get much sleep.
Erica: Oh no you didn’t!
Emily: WHAT, are you SERIOUS.
Me: Um, I’m gonna go back to sleep. I’m really tired. Talk later, k?

Saturday, 3:00pm – Erica, Emily, and I leave for Tahoe. Said girl and a car full of her (and Emily’s) friends are already on the road an hour ahead of us. This weekend had been planned before any dating or sex had taken place. Before the sex, said girl and I had talked about “staying chill” up at the cabin. After sex, we revamped the plan and agreed that we would stay in the same room in Tahoe and that there would probably be more sex. We talk about how this will be ok because everyone who will be at the cabin already knows that we’re dating.

Saturday, 8:00pm – Erica, Emily, and I arrive at the cabin. Emily’s step-brother,
(who lives at the cabin) greets us with hugs and shots of jager meister. The others are already well on their way to drunkenness. Said girl and I make eye-contact and smile, but she is involved in a drunken game of pool and I am eager to start catching up with those who are already feeling all warm and fuzzy.

Saturday, 11:00pm – After several hours of drunken revelry , dancing madness, and plenty of booty shakin , we all take a deep breath, take stock of the situation, and somebody says “hey, does anyone know where Said Girl and Frank are???”

Responses: Tiffany Jolie and Erica

Yes, that’s right, Said Girl had disappeared with Emily’s step-brother and soon enough, we would all be hearing exactly what they had disappeared to. Said girl had woken up in my bed Saturday morning after hours upon hours of polyclimactic sex, only to go and have sex that night with a boy she’d never met. Sex which, by the way, couldn’t possibly be as good as the sex she’d already had with me because let’s be honest, boys have limitations that girls do not.

Sunday, 9:00am – Frank, Said girl, and the rest of her crew leave the cabin to go snowboarding for the day. Before they leave, SG slips into my room to apologize for being such a slut. I tell her that I am not hurt, but am rather annoyed. She takes this as her cue to exit and does so.

Sunday, 9:05am – 5:00pm – Erica, Emily, and I spend the day enjoying ourselves in the snow. We discuss at length our shock and disdain for SG’s actions and officially rename her “Bitch Ho.” Erica and I find catharsis in writing “that’s booty!” in the snow. While Emily builds snowboarding jumps
out of rocks and does other sporty things. All in all, we have a very fun day

Sunday, 6:00pm – After a full day of snowboarding, Frank comes home COMPLETELY unaware of his social transgression. Remember, everybody ELSE at the party knew that Bitch Ho and I were dating, but Frank was completely oblivious to this subtle, but important detail.

Me: Hey Frank, can I talk to you in private for a second… nothing’s wrong, I just feel like we need to have a chat.
Frank: Uh oh, here it comes, I’m gonna get the one night stands are bad speech.
Me: No Frank, I swear, you’re not gonna get a speech about one night stands.
Frank: Shit dude, I’m in so much trouble. I knew I was gonna get a lecture.
Me: Frank, shut the fuck up, I don’t care about one night stands. I just need to fill you in about something.
Frank: Uh, ok

***Frank and I slip off into the bedroom for a private talk. In the meantime, Emily and Erica take advantage of this alone-time opportunity to make-out in the living room while I am pouring my heart out to Frank….I’m just setting the scene here.*******

Me: So, you know how SG spent the night in your bed last night? Well, that morning, she’d woken up in my bed. Because we were dating. Only you didn’t know that. So I’m not pissed or anything… I just thought you should know.
Frank: (after blurting out a plethora of shocked apologies) So, what you’re telling me is that we’ve basically slept together now.
Me: Yes Frank, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
Frank: So, was she as crazy wild in bed with you as she was with me??? (I’m not making this up… he really did say that)

*** For the next several minutes, Frank and I compared our bruises and various other battle wounds. The picture of Franks bite marks
didn’t turn out very well. And pictures of my marks wouldn’t be appropriate, if you catch my drift. In the end, Frank was just sick
over what had happened. ****

Monday, 10:00am – Emily, Erica, and I pack up to leave and start saying our goodbyes. Frank gives me a huge bear hug and says “Hey, sorry about fucking your girlfriend. I’ll try to be more careful next time.” I assure him that I’m over it, and go on my merry way.

************* THE END***************

Posted by j*2the*olie at March 11, 2003 06:18 PM

PS - Sorry about the sideways pics. I'm new at all of this picture business.

Posted by: Jolie on March 11, 2003 06:45 PM

i got to pre-view this before it was even up! ahhhh war wounds! ha ha ha!!

Posted by: michele on March 11, 2003 10:22 PM

question: erica why are you wearing glasses in these pictures?

and, shit! those are some bite marks! good lord.

that is a really pretty picture with the snowman and the lake.

Posted by: michele on March 11, 2003 10:24 PM

Jolie, you did a damn fine job. It has been years since I laughed this hard when I was in a room by myself! (note to self: anti-psychotic medications must be working)
My favorite part is the two reaction pictures- they are priceless.
I told my sister Debra to check out gurlz gone wild, I'll let you know what she says.
I'm off to go play "Dodge the Bitch Ho" and "No I'm Still not Talking to You" as I make my way through the house to do my laundry.

Posted by: emily on March 11, 2003 10:30 PM

sorry to hear about the metamorphosis from BH to SG. i feel for you. to the extent that i can, you know, being XY and all.

also, i admire the blunt straightforwardness of this frank. i mean, "sorry about fucking your girlfriend"? that's how everyone should talk. seriously.

i'm not being sarcastic here. hooray frank. and hooray frankness.

Posted by: holohan on March 11, 2003 10:33 PM

uh, you'll want to transpose "SG" and "BH," unless you're merlin. damn my eyes.

Posted by: holohan on March 11, 2003 10:34 PM

Yes, Frank really is a gem. I mean, how could I hate someone for fucking my girlfriend when they say things like "sorry I fucked your girlfriend."

Posted by: Jolie on March 11, 2003 11:18 PM

And for the love of Pete, the man's suffered enough. When you said bite marks, I didn't realize it was a fucking transfusion!

Posted by: jason on March 12, 2003 04:54 AM

oh dood. i LOVE that there are pics of the bite marks. all in all, this entry garners five stars. best in show! golf clap golf clap golf clap.

Posted by: didofoot on March 12, 2003 08:55 AM

Well, I'm glad it was worth the wait. =)

Posted by: Jolie on March 12, 2003 09:11 AM

I would like to take credit for the bite mark picture. Jolie and Erica laughed at me when I was taking it, but I knew it would be oh so valuable.

Posted by: emily on March 13, 2003 06:59 PM

crap, that should be " 'while' not 'when' I was taking it". I tried to let that sit without correcting myself, but couldn't. grrr

Posted by: emily on March 13, 2003 07:03 PM

oh em, you're so cute. do you have a girlfriend?

Posted by: erica on March 14, 2003 09:15 PM

You didn't hear? Yeah, I'm with this beautiful, funny, intelligent girl--didn't know they existed like this one.
Sorry. But hey! I can introduce you to a friend of mine... ;)

Posted by: emily on March 15, 2003 05:07 PM

ok, missy, we'd better stop it right there! i can literally hear everyone else puking right now. =)

Posted by: erica on March 16, 2003 01:04 PM

I puke three hours before everyone else does.

Posted by: jason on March 16, 2003 06:19 PM

then you have to clean it up first

Posted by: Emily on March 18, 2003 12:50 AM