Threequarters

For Gene

Gurlz Gone Wild – Part I

As some of you may know, I recently had quite the dating adventure. For those of you who missed out on some (or all) of the details, I’ve decided to catalogue the experience here on threequarters in the form of a timeline.

Early February – Emily mentions that she has a friend who is interested in me. She says that the two of us have a lot in common she thinks we would make a good match. I meet said girl, she makes me laugh, I express interest.

Monday, 8:30pm – Said girl calls me and asks me out on a date. I am giddy and cute and say that I would love to go out sometime. Said girl asks “how about tomorrow.” I think, “wow, this girl seems eager…but whatever,” and say “tomorrow sounds great.”

Tuesday, 3:30pm – Said girl arrives for our date. We go to Starbucks and talk over lattes for 2 hours solid. Things seem fabulous. We both remark that this is the “best first date ever.” Things are going SO well that we decide to upgrade our “coffee date” and trade it in for a dinner date. We go out for amazing sushi (which takes us a ridiculously long time to eat because we are talking so goddamn much) and spend another 2 hours chatting and being flirty and cute.

Tuesday, 8:00pm – I call the folks over at the Guinness Book of World Records to announce that this is indeed the best first date in all of history due to the last determining factor…not that the evening ended with wild crazy sex (that comes later), but because we came back to my place and watched Buffy with Emily and Erica. It really doesn’t get much better than that.

Tuesday, 9:30pm – I walk my date out to her car. We express our mutual sentiments that the date was a quality one. Said girl says that she would like to see me again. Once again, I’m giddy and cute and say that I would love to go out again too. There is a goodnight hug, but no kiss…not because there is no chemistry, but because said girl has never dated a girl before…which makes the first kiss slightly more complicated and in need of more prep time.

Wednesday, 7:00pm – I call said girl and we set up plans for our next date. We agree that Friday sounds suitable and agree on going to see a movie and possibly getting dinner.

Friday, 7:00pm – VALENTINE’S DAY – Erica and I get word that both of our dates are stuck in traffic on the bridge. We know that they are stuck together because they live in the same house and left at the same time. We laugh at how comical it is that our dates are on the exact same path and will probably be the exact same amount of late. Erica suggests that we pass the time by painting our toenails. So we do.

Friday, 9:00pm – My date arrives before Erica’s does. Said girl and I head off for the movie. We buy our tickets and walk around the city for a while to kill time. Once again, our chemistry is delightful. Our conversation seems endless and there is definitely a romantic spark.

***For those of you who are still reading, I applaud you for tolerating this ridiculously lengthy post. Let me reward you with the knowledge that things are about to get more interesting.***

Saturday, 1:00am – Said girl and I return home from our date and decide to talk about our dating status. She explains to me that she definitely wants to date me, but that she might need time as far as anything physical goes (at this point, we haven’t even held hands). Despite the voice in my head that’s saying “for christ sake, why do I always end up dating this newbies, I might as well be freaking celibate,” I reassure her that I’m chill and am willing to be patient. I wasn’t lying. I really was willing to be patient. But, as it turns out, patience wasn’t necessary at all.

Saturday, 2:30am – Said girl gets up to go while saying “gee, I’m exhausted, I don’t know if I’m safe to drive home…maybe I should spend the night.” I say in a flustered voice “sure, um, whatever you wanna do, it’s fine with me.” I find her a set of pajamas to wear and we go to bed, side by side with about five inches of room between us. After a few minutes, she grabs my hand and says “if you want to, you can kiss me.” But I want to give her time…so I say “it’s ok with me if we just hold hands some more.” I think things are settled at that, but clearly, she has other plans in mind, because the next thing I know she is completely on top of me and we are making out like I’ve never made out before.

Now, I have to say that my dating experiences have been across the board. I’ve dated some girls that were on the more proper end of the spectrum (they’ve been few and far between). I’ve dated several girls who were… how should I put this…more adventurous. But none of them, my friends, hold and candle to the girl in this story. She was ALL OVER THE PLACE. I was just trying to catch my breath and stay afloat. For a while, I tried to slow things down. I didn’t want things to get TOO serious… it was her first time with a girl, after all. But I realized pretty quickly that this girl was on a mission. The mission to have wild, crazy, ravenous sex with me, and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

***Look out for “Gurlz Gone Wild: Part II,” it’ll be illustrated and it’s coming soon.***

you make me happier than snails

i just had the funniest experience. i went to safeway after nannying, and upon returning to my car found a snail smack dab in the middle of the hood. so of course i did what any rational person would do, namely lean over so my face is three inches from said snail and start up a one-sided conversation in a high-pitched, cutesy, i'm-talking-to-something-tiny voice. at which point i noticed some people getting out of the car next to me, giving me some odd looks, as if they didn't see girls standing attentively over the hood of their cars and cooing all the time.

feeling i should probably explain myself, i continued to talk to the snail and scan the parking lot for a place to put him until they walked up. what is it? they asked, and i told them a snail, and explained that i was worried he'd fly onto my windshield if i left him there, but i also didn't think he'd make it five minutes in safeway's concrete land of snail death. so at this point i thought they'd say 'uh-huh' and go about their safe waying, but instead the guy was like you should take him home to your garden! and then i said ok, good idea, and then he actually helped me scoop the snail onto a piece of paper i had in my car. after wishing my new found friend and me a pleasant evening, and warning me that i'd better not eat it (as if!) he followed the others inside.

at which point i entered into the most TEDIOUS RACE I HAVE EVER HAD. you see, i didn't want the snail to crawl off the paper onto the floor of my car, b/c i'd never get it off the carpet, so i spent three blocks yelling at him and telling him he'd better not go one more millimeter, mister! and then the last two blocks i actually held the piece of paper up as he slid along the edge, eeeever so slowly, but still too fast for me!! it was horrific. anyway, i finally made it home and placed him on a leaf in the back patio. good goddamn, that made me happy. i am full of love. snail love. happy valentine's day, everybody. you all make me happier than snails.

p.s. i just found out from jolie that snails destroy gardens. no one must speak a word of this to the guy downstairs that none of you know. understand me? ok then, i still love you.

ok, here we go- an actual, real, honest to god, just erica post. i contemplated many things to write about, such as my concern over the mental health of my stereo (maybe more on that later... i am worried) and just what constitutes "americana" to a ukranian from oregon. but really, what does my daily life consist of? funny kid stories. so even though i am constantly showering all of you with school stories, today, my friends, you're gonna get one more. i can't help it. it's what i do.

so the other day, i was hanging out while my 4th and 5th graders had silent reading. which wasn't really silent, because i was being a bad classroom aide and talking to the kids at the back table. one of the kids was looking at a hip-hop magazine (the teacher is very lax about the reading material... one boy has been reading some WWF magazine with a bug-eyed, muscle-bound wrestler on the front saying 'throw down, sucka!!' for months now) and as he came to stories about different artists, he'd ask if i knew them. this is how the conversation went down:

little guy #1: Do you know Busta Rhymes?
ms. d: Yeah, sure.
l.g.#1: Do you know K.C. and Jo-Jo?
ms. d: Kind of.
l.g.#1: How about Missy Elliot?
ms. d: I LOVE Missy Elliot!
l.g. #1: Cool. * Do you know Mariah Carey?
ms. d: Yes, and thanks to her movie, "Glitter", I am intimately acquainted with her breasts as well. (Note: I didn't really say that.)
l.g.#1: Do you know Nas? 'Lil Kim? Jay-Z? Cam'ron?
ms. d: Yes, yes, yes and y'es.

At this point little guy #1 was duly impressed. Little guy #2, however, saw right through my facade of coolness.

little guy #1: Wow, you know a lot of people.
ms. d: well, i don't KNOW them, i just know of them.
little guy #2: Yeah, but do you know Erica? Do you really know who Erica is? (Imagine this with a little fist over the heart emphasis.)
ms. d: (Dying of muted "silent reading" laughter) I don't know, kiddo. Sometimes. =)

* Much different response than the last time I told a kid I liked Missy Elliot and he said "Missy? She nasty!"

Top 10 Reasons that Earthquakes are Fun

warning: this is not actually funny, but it will offer insight into the sick and twisted mind of yours truly

1. The initial debate among friends about whether or not you actually experienced an earthquake.

2. Trying to guess what each tremor measured on the Richter scale

3. All of the fond memories of earthquakes from your childhood

4. Playing the “where were you when…” game with your fellow California native friends.

5. Trying to figure out if you’ve experienced a pre-quake tremor, the big quake itself, or an aftershock.

6. Getting to watch people rush and brace themselves in doorways.

7. Calling my mom to tell her I’m all right and to have her look up the latest news (because I’m too lazy to do it myself).

8. Making Emily call her mom when my mom can’t find squat on the net.

9. Getting calls from all of my relatives in the Midwest who never talk to me unless they think the world is ending.

10. Bitch please, buildings are swaying and the ground is fucking vibrating! You can’t beat that shit.

missin my roomie already

Well, the time has finally come to bid adieu to our dear friend Jason. Who knows what the boy is thinking, leaving us for four months to fend for ourselves without his laid back influence to carry us through. I just dropped the boy off at SFO and already I feel a little less carefree. I’ve decided to deal with my loss and show him how much I miss him by composing cathartic acrostic poems. I encourage all of you to follow suit. =)

G-oing
O-ver
O-ur
D-ear
B-allyhoo
Y-anks
E-motions

H-oney
O-nly
U
S-tir
E-veryone
M-ore
A-bsolutely
T-han
E-manuel (Louis)